The Wise Woman Builds Her House — Part 3 — A: Affectionate (phileō)
*This is for women wanting to improve their marriages and not for women who are being abused and/or whose children are being abused. If that is you, please seek safety immediately.
The Wise Woman Builds Her House Series at a Glance:
1. Foundation — Our Thoughts, The Truth, and Prayers
3. A — Affectionate (phileō) (you are here)
5. S — Service-oriented ('ezer)
7. Conclusion — Reference Card, Prayer
"[Older women are to teach] the young women to tenderly love their husbands and their children, to be sensible, pure, makers of a home [where God is honored], good-natured, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."
— Titus 2:3–5 (AMP)
Paul's word for "tenderly love" is phileō — a warm, friendly, companionable love. It is affection: the gentle, intentional enjoyment of your husband.
The Tenderness of Heaven
As with hupotassō, before phileō is anything we are invited to give, it is what God perfectly demonstrates from His heart. He is the Source of tenderness — and His tender love is totally pure: never tangled with self-interest or withdrawn in moodiness.
"Just as a father loves his children, so the Lord loves those who fear Him."
— Psalm 103:13 (AMP)
"He will rejoice over you with joy; He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."
— Zephaniah 3:17 (AMP)
God rejoices over you with shouts of joy and tender quietness. That is the affection of our Good Father.
During His walk on earth, Jesus modeled genuine affection again and again — the very affection He invites us now to carry into our homes. He spent long hours with His disciples, talking, laughing, eating, walking, teaching and resting. His critics called Him “a friend of tax collectors and sinners” (Luke 7:34). What they hurled as an insult actually provides to us a glimpse into the affection of the Kingdom of Heaven — a pattern for the warmth we are to extend to our husbands.
Beneath that warmth runs something even deeper: compassion. Tender affection is not only our smiles and our friendly words — it is born of hearts that are genuinely moved by the ones we love. Scripture uses a striking Greek word for the compassion of Christ: splagchnizomai — to be moved in the inward parts, the deepest bowels. The Apostle Mark uses it of Jesus several times, for example:
"When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He was moved with compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things."
— Mark 6:34 (AMP)
Christ's affection was never surface-level. It was rooted in a love so deep it stirred Him in His innermost being and moved Him to act. This is the heart of God toward us — and when we believe Christ is Who He says He is, the Father forever loves us with that same deeply-moved affection:
"For the Father Himself [tenderly] loves you [philei], because you have loved Me and have believed…"
— John 16:27 (AMP)
Our Good Father cherishes us in the deepest places of His heart — and from that same depth, we are to cherish our husbands. Affection toward our husbands, then, is not thin politeness. It is chosen warmth — flowing from a heart genuinely moved by God's love and by the living, breathing man He has given us to be one flesh with: moved by his burdens, his hopes, his innermost self. Phileō with splagchnizomai underneath is the affection of Christ Himself — and we are blessed to mirror it, however imperfectly, in our homes.
Tenderness Is Learnable
Being so loved with tender affection, we are equipped — and called — to tenderly love our husbands. Tender love is not a personality type. It is a posture the Holy Spirit delights to cultivate in you. If you have lost some of the warmth in your marriage, you have not lost it forever. Ask God, and He will teach you and guide you to warm up your marriage, one moment at a time.
The Small Warmths of an Ordinary Day
Affection comes from a heart that rejoices in the love of our Good Father and then breaks forth toward our husbands — here is what one warm moment can look like…
A genuine smile when he walks into the room — remember, this is the love of your life.
A hand on his shoulder as you pass by.
Eyes that light up at the sight of him.
A tender response and a calm, mature word, instead of childish venting.
Words of gratitude — spoken aloud or tucked onto a sticky note — naming what you treasure most in him.
The creativity to lighten a moment with laughter, instead of sinking into old criticisms.
The daily decision to enjoy him as a blessing from God, not study him as a problem to solve.
Your husband is your head of household by God's design — and, after Christ, he is the love of your life. Tender affection honors these truths.
When the Day Tempts Us to Harden
Tender love takes work — especially when we are tired, pressed for time, or all-too-ready to show frustration. But thanks be to God, Who trains us for the very battles we face (Psalm 18:29, 34). He knows His call to love tenderly is fought daily by our sin natures. He does not leave us alone in that.
When the Lord convicts us of a lack of affection, the conviction itself shows His care. And He reminds us that the hard situations He uses to discipline us is part of His tenderness:
"Those whom I [dearly and tenderly] love [philō], I rebuke and discipline…"
— Revelation 3:19 (AMP)
He is softening you because He loves you.
What God Has Taught Me About Staying Soft
In a time of grief, I noticed the softened heart I had toward my husband and asked the Lord to extend that tenderness into the days beyond the deeper grief. He showed me:
In or outside of grief, I can always have a soft heart. That is a choice the Holy Spirit helps me make. I know the difference. Always choose tenderness with my husband. Always.
The brokenness of this world can give us a hundred reasons to harden in a single afternoon. The Holy Spirit gives us one steady, sufficient reason to stay soft to our husbands, always: God Himself.
Choose Warmth, All Day
Choose tenderness all day today, as much as you can. Let your husband hear warmth in your voice. Let him see delight in your face. Let your touch be gentle and your words be kind, just like Christ has modeled for us. These seemingly small acts are not small at all. They are how God's tenderness, poured into us, gets poured into our homes.
A Prayer
Lord, You are tender beyond what I can imagine. Thank You for loving me with the deep, pure affection and compassion that is Your perfect nature. Heal and soften me. May the love You have lavished on me spill over into the disposition, tone, and body language I show my husband today. Amen.
Affection is the warmth of the home. Intimacy is its hearth.
A wise woman builds her house.