The Wise Woman Builds Her House — Part 2 — R: Reverent (hupotassō)
*This is for women wanting to improve their marriages and not for women who are being abused and/or whose children are being abused. If that is you, please seek safety immediately.
The Wise Woman Builds Her House Series at a Glance:
1. Foundation — Our Thoughts, The Truth, and Prayers
2. R — Reverent (hupotassō) (you are here)
5. S — Service-oriented ('ezer)
7. Conclusion — Reference Card, Prayer
"In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate, not as inferior, but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them]… when they see your modest and respectful behavior [together with your devotion and appreciation — love your husband, encourage him, and enjoy him as a blessing from God]."
— 1 Peter 3:1–2 (AMP)
Peter's word for "be submissive to" is hupotassō — a military term meaning to fall into step and line. The term also applies outside the army, where taking on a role is a voluntary service for the good of the whole. In our homes, it is our glad choice to honor the order God has set because we trust the One Who designed it. Hupotassō is a gift: God made us, and all His commands make us flourish.
The Reverence of the Son
Before hupotassō is anything we are invited to do, it is something Christ Himself perfectly and freely gives the Father. His example is at the heart of the Gospel.
"Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form and unchanging essence of God… did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped or asserted; but emptied Himself… He humbled Himself [still further] by becoming obedient [to the Father] to the point of death, even death on a cross."
— Philippians 2:5–8 (AMP)
The Son of God — possessing the fullness of God — willingly laid aside the outward expression of that equality, not because the Father is greater in essence, but because the Father is His Head in role. The Son's submission to the Father is the eternal reality that we are called to mirror in our wifely reverence to our husbands. A wife's sustainable and true reverence for her husband can only flow from her reverence for God Himself.
The Texture of an Honoring Day
Reverence can show up throughout ordinary days:
A peaceful tone in your husband’s presence and about him to others.
Words that build him up — in your mind, to him 1:1, and in front of children, family, and all.
Trust in his leadership, even when his decision is not the one you would have made.
Bringing concerns to him directly, in private, with gentleness and faith.
Refusing every form of quiet contempt — rushed body language, hurried words, a dismissive tone.
Standing guard against any erosion of respect.
Delighting that it is his role to lead spiritually — and praying for his shepherding.
Where Reverence Is Forged
Reverence is forged in hard moments, just as the Son's obedience was:
"Although He was a Son, He learned [active, special] obedience through what He suffered."
— Hebrews 5:8 (AMP)
If Christ can learn from suffering, He will strengthen us to do the same. The difficult circumstance is the training ground where reverence becomes real.
A Deep Clean of the Kitchen of My Heart
“… Encourage the young women to tenderly love their husbands and their children, to be sensible, pure, makers of a home [where God is honored], good-natured, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”
— Titus 2:4b-5
The other day my husband read part of Titus 2 including this passage aloud, and I noticed I sat up straighter with passion and gratitude. None of the bristling I used to feel. How did I get there?
I had asked God to make me more loving, and He responded by graciously showing me my own sin. He took me on what I can only call a deep clean of the kitchen of my heart — pointing out the corners I had long ignored and equipping me to clean them with Him, together, through His Word, prayer, and the kindness of my husband and sisters in Christ.
During that special time of extra-deep cleaning, passages on submission landed differently. I began to see the ways I had been subtly or not-so-subtly rebelling — ignoring my husband's preferences, deprioritizing his requests, criticizing in my heart even when I held my tongue.
The reason I submit now is not because my husband is perfect. He is far from it, and I am even further. I submit to my husband because I cannot submit to God otherwise. And I must submit to Him. The smiling face of my Good Father in Heaven is worth everything to me. And the more He empowers me to obey, the more I see how bright and how beautiful and genuinely helpful His commands are.
The Most Powerful Thing a Wife Can Do
Reverent submission is active trust. At a wives' workshop at my church, our leader offered a prayer that has anchored me whenever I want to grab the reins:
"God, I am choosing to do Your will by submitting to my husband in this. So now this is up to You. I am not trying to control — because You have told me to submit. I entrust this situation to You. Please move on our behalf."
I am not doing nothing. I am doing the most powerful thing available to me inside God's perfect will — praying hard for his sanctification and mine, and releasing the outcome to the God Who actually runs everything.
The Pillars of an Honoring Home
"The Son is unable to do anything of Himself, but only that which He sees the Father doing."
— John 5:19 (AMP)
“Wisdom has built her [spacious and sufficient] house;
She has hewn out and set up her seven pillars.”
— Proverbs 9:1 (AMP)
The reverence we see in Jesus shows us his totally devoted, unquestioning heart posture of deep respect toward His Father. Like Jesus, may we only want to do what we see the Father doing.
This reverent focus can naturally flow to your husband — imperfect as he is — because obedience is not earned by him; it is earned by God. Practice the small acts of reverence today — a peaceful tone, a word of honor, a gladly-yielded preference, a prayer instead of a pushback. In God's eyes, obedience is never small. Neither is disobedience. Each moment we choose obedience strengthens the pillars of a home that honors the Lord.
A Prayer
Lord, You are worthy of all my reverence. Make me a wife after the pattern of Christ — joyful, clear, and submitted to You. Soften my heart toward my husband. Steady my tone. Quiet my urge to try and control. Where I want to take matters into my own hands, help me hand all that matters to You. May my reverence for You spill over into reverence for this precious husband You have given me. Amen.
Reverence opens the door to a God-honoring marriage. Affection walks through it again and again.
A wise woman builds her house.