The Wise Woman Builds Her House — Part 5 — S: Service-oriented ('ezer)
This is for women wanting to grow their marriages. If you or your children are in an abusive or unsafe situation, please seek safety immediately — this article is not for that. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.
The Wise Woman Builds Her House Series at a Glance:
1. Foundation — Praying the Truth
5. S — Service-oriented ('ezer) (you are here)
7. Conclusion — Reference Card, Prayer
"Now the Lord God said, ‘It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.’"
— Genesis 2:18 (AMP)
The Hebrew word for helper here is 'ezer — a strong, capable, complementary partner. Before Eve was formed, God named her 'ezer — speaking her vocation into being before creating her from Adam's side. Five verses later, when Adam first beheld her, he named her isha — recognizing her as the perfect counterpart to ish. (which we explored in Part 4 on Intimacy). The two words together — 'ezer and isha — name God's rich design for the wife: (a) a covenant counterpart, made for her husband and for God's glory, and (b) a covenant helper, made to support him uniquely and powerfully.
God Is 'Ezer First
The idea of being a helper can make us bristle. "Is that all I am: a helper? Besides, if I am helper, who is helping me? Goodness knows I need help!"
The One helping you is God Himself, who calls Himself 'ezer.
We live in a culture that daily lies to us — that the goal of life is to push to the top and be first, demanding that everyone (our husbands included) fall into line. No wonder we are off-put by the word helper. But thanks be to God: the culture is not our authority. Scripture is. Through studying Scripture with the help of the Holy Spirit in us, we see more and more clearly over time God's beauty and the beauty of His commands. Everything He says is good, and everything He commands is right.
And He never asks us to do anything He hasn't already done for us: before God calls us to be 'ezer as wives, He calls Himself the same over a dozen times (I've added the Hebrew in {brackets}):
"We wait [expectantly] for the Lord;
He is our help {'ezer} and our shield."
— Psalm 33:20 (AMP)
"There is none like the God of Jeshurun (Israel),
Who rides the heavens to your help {'ezer}
And through the skies in His majestic glory."
— Deuteronomy 33:26 (AMP)
"But I am afflicted and needy;
Come quickly to me, O God!
You are my help {'ezer} and my rescuer;
O LORD, do not delay."
— Psalm 70:5 (AMP)
God is our help shielding us in our waiting, riding to us majestically from the heavens, and delivering us without delay. 'Ezer is no diminished role. It is the very role of the Almighty toward us — and we are invited to carry that role in our marriages with joy and strength and dignity.
The King Who Knelt
Stunningly, Jesus — King of Kings, Lord of Lords — bent down and washed the feet of His disciples.
Jesus “got up from supper, took off His [outer] robe, and taking a [servant's] towel, He tied it around His waist. Then He poured water into the basin and began washing the disciples' feet and wiping them with the towel which was tied around His waist… So when He had washed their feet and put on His [outer] robe and reclined at the table again, He said to them, ‘Do you understand what I have done for you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you are right in doing so, for that is who I am. So if I, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you ought to wash one another’s feet as well. For I gave you [this as] an example, so that you should do [in turn] as I did to you.’”
— John 13:4–5, 12–15 (AMP)
Can you imagine? The great King of the universe, kneeling on the floor, holding the dusty feet of His loved ones, including the one He knew was about to betray Him. Christ did not consider this or any of His other countless acts of service to be beneath Him. For Him, each opportunity to serve was a wholehearted gift following His Father-entrusted mission — He came to serve:
He “…emptied Himself…by assuming the form of a bond-servant…”
— Philippians 2:7 (AMP)
"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."
— Mark 10:45 (AMP)
Christ has served us more than we will ever be able to serve Him in return. Every time we serve our husbands, we are serving Christ:
"…to the extent that you did it for one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it for Me."
— Matthew 25:40 (AMP)
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord."
— Ephesians 5:22 (AMP)
What a miracle — that the smallest service rendered to our husbands is received by Christ Himself. Again, He is not asking us to do anything He has not already done for us. And everything we do in His strength, after His example, forms us more fully into His likeness — which is only and always good.
The Dignity of Helping
We are called to help our husbands the way God helps us — as a strong, capable, joyful support. He enables us to be reliable, trustworthy, and delighted to please and bless him. We have the honor, privilege, and responsibility of knowing our own husband’s needs and preferences, big and small, and meeting them the very best we can. God will help us grow in this for the rest of our lives.
We serve our husbands in two ways: by doing good, and by refusing to do harm.
"An excellent woman [one who is spiritual, capable, intelligent, and virtuous], who is he who can find her?
Her value is more precious than jewels and her worth is far above rubies or pearls.
The heart of her husband trusts in her [with secure confidence],
And he will have no lack of gain.
She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil
All the days of her life.”
— Proverbs 31:10–12 (AMP)
Any given daily act of comforting and encouraging is not usually loud or attention-drawing. Doing him only good is usually one quiet choice layered onto another, out of the sincerity of love that is self-sustaining and doesn’t need acknowledgement, though the result over the years is a home — and especially a wife — her husband loves to come home to.
Practically, it looks like:
Anticipating a need before he names it. A glass of water within reach. His favorite mug filled without being asked. The laundry sorted the way he likes it.
Championing him in front of others. In your prayers, in front of your children, in your community — speak of him with honor. Never sharpen your wit at his expense. His name is safe with you.
Learning what refreshes him — and providing it. Quiet after work. His favorite meal on a hard week. Time with a friend, or a walk, or a nap. A wife who studies her husband is a wife who blesses her husband.
Learning what drains him — and shielding him from it when you can. Overscheduling. Certain conversations at the end of a long day. Small friction he doesn't need to carry from you.
Making your home a place he wants to come home to. Not perfectly clean — peaceful. A warm greeting. A settled atmosphere. A wife whose face lights up when he walks in.
Praying over his work, his walk with the Lord, and his rest. He fights battles you do not see. Cover him in prayer.
Doing fun unexpected things. Delighting to do the small things that matter to your unique husband, and delighting to try new things you think he might like and noting with quiet joy whether he does or doesn’t seem to — because it’s all useful information for you as you learn your husband. You — and he — may be surprised by what delights him! You can think outside of the box, things you’ve never heard of or seen anyone do before. For example, if he travels for work and loves cold drinks, you might coordinate with the front desk to have them take a DoorDash of his favorite drinks and snacks up to his room before he arrives. (It doesn’t always work, depending on the hotel, but you can call and see! If not, he can always pick them up at the desk too.)
None of this is glamorous, and not all of it is fun. All of it is, however — when done from a heart of love to God — worship.
"Whatever you do [whatever your task may be], work from the soul [that is, put in your very best effort], as [something done] for the Lord and not for men, knowing [with all certainty] that it is from the Lord [not from men] that you will receive the inheritance which is your [greatest] reward. It is the Lord Christ whom you [actually] serve."
— Colossians 3:23–24 (AMP)
The prayer, the uplifting word, the extra care with his closet — the Lord Christ receives them as service to Him.
Do No Evil, "Small" or Great
This takes honest reflection. Ask the Lord: what are the particular ways I am most tempted to do harm in my marriage?
Rash words?
A discontent attitude?
Nagging and complaining?
These are seeds of contention, and Scripture is sober about them:
"…the contentions of a [quarrelsome] wife are like a constant dripping [of water]."
— Proverbs 19:13 (AMP)
A constant drip wears down stone. Don't be that drip in your husband's life.
Search out any harm-tendencies with God. Pray honestly:
God, I am committed to doing my husband good and not harm. Specifically, I am committed to stop ______. Please help me.
When the attitude flares, take it to God immediately. Step aside for a moment if you need to. Do not let a bad attitude show itself, and do not let it linger inside either. Quietly in your heart, work it out with Him. He will show you. He will help you. He relishes the chance to teach and guide you — that is what He gave you His Holy Spirit for. He is your 'Ezer.
The Helper Who Lives in Us
We are never doing this on our own. The Holy Spirit Himself is our Helper:
"And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), to be with you forever…"
— John 14:16 (AMP)
The Holy Spirit is called paraklētos — literally, the One called alongside to help. He helps us intimately, continuously, and with great affection. That is the kind of ‘ezer service we have the unique honor of offering our husbands every day. We are free to help because we are so deeply helped — and our Helper Himself is our best Friend, His home being inside of us.
And within this close relationship, to our great relief, God does not ask for perfection right away — He asks for honest effort, offered in humble trust and steeped in prayer along the way.
What God Has Taught Me About Serving My Husband
Drinking often from the well that our purest desire to serve flows from — Christ's love for us — fuels us for every act of service we render when we are tired or otherwise feel inconvenienced.
For a long time before realizing that, my service to my husband was fairly efficient — but not always glad. Sometimes usually NOT glad. I did what needed doing. I kept the home running. But underneath, I often carried a resentment of this is one more thing I have to do, especially when I was tired.
Then, during the Deep Kitchen Clean of My Heart I wrote about in Part 2 on Reverence, the Lord began exchanging that low hum of resentment for something new:
Gratitude — for my Heavenly King and for my earthly king — started rising to the top of my heart's list.
If Christ died for us to be with Him forever on the New Earth, surely I can thank Him for the remembrance of the gift of my husband in my life when I see socks left on the floor, or whatever freshly presented opportunity God has provided for me to grow — a little bit or a lot — in mercy and grace today. Surely I can serve as worship and thanks to my King in Heaven. These are the thoughts that began rising in me.
The socks on the floor stopped being an irritation and started being a reminder — of the husband God gave me, of the marriage He is building, of the King I love. The forgotten appointment stopped being a burden and started being a chance to alleviate his burden. The dinner became a precious even-if-imperfect blessing.
Nothing about the tasks changed. Everything about my heart did.
"Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in."
— Galatians 6:9 (AMP)
I still get tired. I still get irritated when I take my eye off the ball. But when I go to the well of Christ’s love for me — rehearsing a favorite verse, looking up to Him in my heart knowing He sees me with tenderness, singing a line of a worship song — whatever task I am doing changes shape. Whether at the kitchen sink, the laundry basket, or the mailbox — I am not only serving my husband; I am serving Christ through him. And, as gentle and wonderful as our Lord is, He genuinely appreciates it which is among the most touching realizations a wife can have.
We can always go to the Lord and ask for His help to change us into glad servants. He surely will. He delights to teach us how to serve as He serves — with steady, unrushed, grateful love.
A Prayer
Lord, I am committed to doing my husband good and not harm. Show me my blind spots. Help me catch the flare of animosity in my heart so it dies there, before it ever has a chance to leave my mouth or influence my actions. Make me an 'ezer after Your own pattern — strong, glad, capable, and free. In Jesus's name, amen.
Reverence, affection, intimacy, and service — lived out in the strength of the Spirit — grow in us into something the Bible names chayil: a woman of valor, strength, and excellence. That is where we turn next.
A wise woman builds her house.