The Wise Woman Builds Her House — Part 5 — S: Service-oriented ('ezer)
*This is for women wanting to improve their marriages and not for women who are being abused and/or whose children are being abused. If that is you, please seek safety immediately.
The Wise Woman Builds Her House Series at a Glance:
1. Foundation — Our Thoughts, The Truth, and Prayers
5. S — Service-oriented ('ezer) (you are here)
7. Conclusion — Reference Card, Prayer
"It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him — a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him."
— Genesis 2:18 (AMP)
The Hebrew word for helper here is 'ezer — a strong, capable, complementary partner. Before Eve was even formed, God named her 'ezer — speaking her vocation into being before forming her from Adam's side. Five verses later, when Adam first beheld her, he named her isha — recognizing her as the perfect counterpart to ish. (which we explored in the previous section). The two words together — 'ezer and isha — name God's whole design for the wife: a covenant counterpart, made for him and for God's glory, and a covenant helper, made to support him uniquely and powerfully.
God Is 'Ezer First
The idea of being a helper can make us bristle. "Is that all I am: a helper? Besides, if I am helper, who is helping me? Goodness knows I need help!"
The One helping you is God Himself, who called Himself 'ezer before He invited you to be the same.
We live in a culture that daily lies to us — that the goal of life is to push to the top and be first, demanding that everyone (our husbands included) fall into line. No wonder we are offput by the word helper. But thanks be to God, the culture is not our authority. Scripture is. Through studying Scripture with the help of the Holy Spirit in us, we see more and more clearly over time God's beauty and the beauty of His commands. Everything He says makes sense, and everything He commands is right.
And He never asks us to do anything He hasn't already done for us: before God calls us to be 'ezer as wives, He calls Himself the same over a dozen times:
"We wait expectantly for the Lord; He is our help ['ezer] and our shield."
— Psalm 33:20 (AMP)
"There is none like the God of Jeshurun, Who rides the heavens to your help ['ezer]…"
— Deuteronomy 33:26 (AMP)
"You are my help ['ezer] and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay."
— Psalm 70:5 (AMP)
God is our help shielding us in our waiting, riding to us from the heavens, and delivering us without delay. 'Ezer is no diminished role. It is the very role of the Almighty toward us — and we are invited to carry that role in our marriages, with joy and strength and dignity.
The King Who Knelt
Stunningly, Jesus — King of Kings, Lord of Lords — bent down and washed the feet of His disciples.
"[Jesus] got up from supper, took off His [outer] robe, and taking a [servant's] towel, He tied it around His waist. Then He poured water into the basin and began washing the disciples' feet…. 'Do you understand what I have done for you? You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for that is who I am. So if I, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. For I gave you [this as] an example, so that you should do [in turn] as I did to you.'"
— John 13:4–5, 12–15 (AMP)
Can you imagine? The great King of the universe, kneeling on the floor, holding the dusty feet of His loved ones, including one He knew was about to betray Him. Christ did not consider this or any of His other countless acts of service beneath Him. He considered each opportunity to serve as a joy — His wholehearted gift to those He loves. This is the heart of Heaven. It was His joyful gift because it was His clear Father-entrusted mission — He came to serve:
"[He] emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant…"
— Philippians 2:7 (AMP)
"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many."
— Mark 10:45 (AMP)
Christ has served us more than we will ever be able to serve Him in return. Every time we serve our husbands, we are serving Christ:
"To the extent that you did it for one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it for Me."
— Matthew 25:40b (AMP)
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as [a service] to the Lord."
— Ephesians 5:22 (AMP)
What a miracle — that the smallest service rendered to our husbands is received by Christ Himself. Again, He is not asking us to do anything He has not already done for us. And everything we do in His strength, after His example, forms us more fully into His likeness — which is only and always good.
The Dignity of Helping
We are called to help our husbands the way God helps us — as a strong, capable, joyful support: reliable, trustworthy, and delighted to please and bless him. You have the honor, the privilege, and the responsibility of knowing your husband's needs and preferences, big and small, and meeting them the very best you can. God will help you grow in this for the rest of your life.
We serve our husbands in two ways: by doing good, and by refusing to do harm.
"An excellent woman, who is he who can find her? Her value is more precious than jewels…. The heart of her husband trusts in her [with secure confidence]…. She comforts, encourages, and does him only good and not evil all the days of her life."
— Proverbs 31:10–12 (AMP)
Do No Evil, "Small" or Great
This takes honest reflection. Ask the Lord: what are the particular ways I am most tempted to do harm in my marriage?
Rash words?
A discontent attitude?
Nagging and complaining?
These are seeds of contention, and Scripture is sober about them:
"The contentions of a [quarrelsome] wife are like a constant dripping."
— Proverbs 19:13 (AMP)
A constant drip wears down stone. Don't be that drip in your husband's life.
Search out any harm-tendencies with God. Pray honestly:
God, I am committed to doing my husband good and not harm. Specifically, I am committed to stop ______. Please help me.
When the attitude flares, take it to God immediately. Step aside for a moment if you need to. Do not let a bad attitude show itself, and do not let it linger inside either. Quietly in your heart, work it out with Him. He will show you. He will help you. He relishes the chance to teach and guide you — that is what He gave you His Holy Spirit for. He is your 'Ezer.
The Helper Who Lives in Us
Drink often from the well our purest desire to serve flows from: Christ's love for us. If He died for us to be with Him forever on the New Earth, surely I can thank Him for the remembrance of the gift of my husband in my life when I see socks left on the floor, or whatever freshly presented opportunity God has provided for me to grow — a little bit or a lot — in mercy and grace today.
When I push gratitude to my Heavenly King, and for my earthly king, to the top of my heart's list, what a joy it is to wash, dry, and fold my husband's favorite socks. What a gift to make the dinner he loves, remember the appointment he forgot, tuck a sticky note into his briefcase — and to do it all as worship and thanks to my King in Heaven.
These are the thoughts that began rising in me during the Deep Kitchen Clean of My Heart I referenced a few sections ago in this series. To our great relief, God does not ask for perfection right away — He asks for honest effort, offered in humble trust and steeped in prayer along the way.
And we are never doing this on our own. The Holy Spirit Himself is our Helper:
"I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor — Counselor, Strengthener, Standby)."
— John 14:16, 26 (AMP)
The Holy Spirit is literally called paraklētos — the One called alongside to help. He helps us intimately, continuously, and with great affection. That is the kind of ‘ezer service we have the unique honor of offering our husbands every day. We are free to help because we are so deeply helped — and our Helper Himself is our best friend, His home being inside of us.
A Prayer
Lord, I am committed to doing my husband good and not harm. Show me my blind spots. Help me catch the flare in my heart so it dies there, before it ever has a chance to leave my mouth. Make me an 'ezer after Your own pattern — strong, capable, glad, and free. In Jesus's name, amen.
Reverence, affection, intimacy, and service — lived out in the strength of the Spirit — grow in us into something the Bible names chayil: a woman of valor, strength, and excellence. That is where we turn next.
A wise woman builds her house.
Continue to Part 6 — E: Excellent (chayil) →refuse to complain — even ever-so-subtly and internally —